The Enemy

One key to being effective as a firefighter is knowing the enemy….fire. How it starts, behaves, progresses, travels, etc. How chemicals react with it, and especially what extinguishing agents are most effective in fighting fires.

One example of knowing the enemy of fire is magnesium fires. Firefighters could face this type fire with vehicles, tractor trailers and storage in buildings. If firefighters apply water on a magnesium fire the results will be violent and the fire will not go out.

There are many enemies of marriage, but the biggest is the devil. We need our eyes wide open and we need to know this enemy of our marriage.

  • 1 Peter 5:8 says, “be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.”
  • John 8:44 describes satan as “a liar”.
  • 2 Corinthians 11:4 warns us that he, “disguises himself as an angel of light”.
  • John 10:10 uses the words, “steal, kill, destroy” describing the devil.

The verse in 1 Peter 5 describes the devil as a lion. Lions typically hunt when it is dark in dense cover so their prey can’t see the attack coming. The prey that typically get devoured by lions are alone. The lion’s charge is generally launched directly at the prey and it rarely alters the path of attack. It is also worth noting that the lion’s heart and lungs are small so they do not have the ability to sustain a long chase to catch their prey.

So what do we do? I offer three actionable items for you to consider in guarding your marriage from the devil’s attacks.

  • Stay alert and aware. Remember how verse 8 in 1 Peter 5 started, “be sober-minded; be watchful…”
  • Seek God through daily prayer, quiet time and Bible study. James 4:7 says, “Submit yourselves, then to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”
  • Intertwine you, your spouse, and God in your marriage relationship. Ecclesiastes 4:12 says, “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broke.”

QUESTIONS

Q: What are some ways you can “stay alert” for the devil’s attacks?

Q: How can you help and encourage seeking God in your marriage?

CALL TO ACTION

Pick one of the actionable items or one your answers to the questions and discuss how you implement that with your spouse.

Green Thumbs and Growing Hearts

I was in a store with my wife recently and saw a sign for sale that was titled “Garden Rules”. Each of these Garden Rules is applicable to our marriage relationships too. Our relationships are much like plants that need sunlight, rain, nutrients, and pruning to grow just like our marriage relationship. That relationship requires intentional actions by both spouses.

Garden Rules sign seen in a gift shop.

– The soil of plants or comparably the environment of relationships must have nutrients and food to sustain growth. The roots must be healthy for a plant to thrive or a relationship to grow. Healthy roots are both deep and are intertwined.

– The type of seeds you plant in your relationship will determine what the relationship becomes. If you plant seeds of faith, hope, love, forgives, and selflessness the relationship will be very different from a relationship with seeds of selfishness, pride, and ego.

– Whether you hope for it or not, there will be rain (otherwise known as adversity) in your relationship. Rain doesn’t have to define your relationship but it will test your resolve and commitment.

– Weeds or unhealthy habits can develop so pulling weeds is definitely required. Unhealthy relational habits includes selfishness, trying to be understood before you try to understand, not communicating clearly, among many other good habits.

– Playing in the dirt is a synonym for keeping fun and playfulness in your relationship. Playfulness can be simply mean having a weekly date night, writing love letters occasionally or planning a short fun, trip together.

– Feed the birds is learning about yourself and your spouse. Feed your mind to grow in understanding about each other and how we react, what we want, and what our hopes and fears are.

– Welcoming butterflies is about caring for your spiritual needs each day. Prayer, meditation, reading the Bible, and being still and listening to God’s voice and looking for His hand is like welcoming the butterflies in your back yard with plants they like.

– Bees are symbolic of developing a sweetness in your relationship, much like the honey bees produce. That sweetness is needed every day in small ways. It is about thinking about your spouse and doing things that they like and appreciate.

– We really need to live in the moment and take time to enjoy the view. Some people call this mindfulness, but whatever you want to call it, “be present in the moment” and don’t worry about tomorrow or rehash the past repeatedly.

QUESTIONS

Q: How is your marriage relationship garden on a scale of 1 to 10 with respect to each Garden Rule above?

Q: Which of the above garden rules could help your marriage?

CALL TO ACTION

Focus on one of the garden rules this week and work to cultivate a stronger marriage relationship.

Go fan that fire!

A Lost Art

Since Father’s Day is this coming weekend, I thought I’d share something my Dad taught me in life. I remember hearing at a very young age that we have two ears and one mouth, that we should listen twice as much as we talk. Easier said than done, especially when strong emotions and feelings are involved.

Me & My Dad a few years ago (ha, ha)

My Dad was one person who listened a lot more than he spoke, so I saw it modeled in life. He was a very patient man of few words but usually when he spoke it was worth listening.

Communications in firefighting is a life or death matter. The communications among fire department units must be clear and concise. The initial report of the first arriving fire apparatus paints a picture that builds a foundation for effectively resolving the emergency. That report typically includes 6 basic pieces of information:

1. Unit identification

2. Announce you are on Scene

3. Description of the problem

4. Describe any action you are taking

5. Declare your strategy

6. Assume command of the scene

We also need to be clear and concise in the communications with our spouse. Listening in marriage means more than just not talking. It means acknowledging what is said so the person speaking knows you heard the message, even if you disagree with it. One phrase to use when giving that feedback is, “so what I hear you saying is…..”.

Active listening is at the heart of this lost art. Active listening means focused, non-judgmental listening with your heart, mind, eyes and ears. Feedback is the food of communication champions by the way. Think about the last time your spouse was telling you something, did you actively listen; did you take these 6 basic active listening actions to foster good communications:

  • Face them, give them your full attention & have good eye contact
  • Observe their body language (non-verbal cues)
  • Listen without immediately judging
  • Not start to think about what you want to say before acknowledging what was being said to you
  • Ask questions to better understand and clarify
  • Paraphrase and summarize what was said to you

QUESTIONS

Q: Do I typically talk more than I listen?

Q: What aspects of active listening above can I improve on this week?

CALL TO ACTION

For this week focus on just three of the above 6 basic communications aspects of active listening and work to get better.

Go fan that fire!

Things are Not Always as They Appear

During my fire service career, emergencies responded to sometimes turned out very different than we thought we were responding to initially. A car crash that turned into a natural gas explosion of a home, a grass fire that turned into an attack on my crew, a heart attack that turned into a massive commercial fire, or a fire alarm that turned into a suicide by police officer. Just like the saying, “Don’t judge a book by its cover”, circumstances are not always as they first appear.

Firefighters must make the best decisions based on the information they have very quickly. They must also be continually looking and evaluating what they are facing in an emergency. Expect the unexpected and be ready for almost anything! In our marriage we must also be paying attention to our spouse, our relationship, the actions of others and our own actions and thoughts. Especially look out for the subtle distractions that the devil uses to attack you and your marriage.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. – 1 Peter 5:8 NIV

Emergency shutoff at a gas station to prevent a dangerous fuel fire.

Just because things are quiet doesn’t mean all is well. There is often a brief calm just before a tornado rips through an area. I feel pretty sure attacking marriage relationships is pretty high on the devil’s to do list every day. It’s not a good day if you have to hit the emergency button in your marriage.

QUESTIONS

Q: How is your spouse doing? When was the last time you looked into their eyes and asked an open ended question that required more than a yes or no response?

Q: Do you have anyone in your life who has permission to call you out when you cross into bad territory through your actions? How is your thought life?

CALL TO ACTION

Begin cultivating an accountability partner to help your awareness and vision this week.

Go Fan that Flame!

Angle of Departure

An important factor for firefighters is something called the angle of departure. It is the angle between the ground and a line running from the rear tire of the fire truck to the lowest-hanging point directly behind it, which is usually the rear tailboard of the fire truck. It identifies how steep an incline the apparatus can clear when departing from that angle. It typically should be at least 8 degrees.

The rear tailboard of a fire truck.

When you start each day what is your angle of departure. It can mean the difference between friction and a fruitful day. How you start each day affects both your relationship and life in general. Some of the factors affecting your departure into the day include:

  • Physical: rest, exercise, diet
  • Emotional: self care, thankful attitude, awareness of feelings, building healthy relationships
  • Mental: plan but stay flexible, practice personal accountability, reflect on your core values often, get comfortable being uncomfortable to grow

According to the National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute, adults sleeping less than 7 hours a night is tied to bad health outcomes.

QUESTIONS

Q: What is one thing you can do each day this week to improve your angle of departure each day?

Q: What area do you struggle the most with? (physical, mental, or emotional)

CALL TO ACTION

Based on your biggest struggle do ONE THING each day this week to improve your angle of departure in your relationship and life.

Go Fan That Fire!

Don’t Do Anything. . . Not Usually a Good Approach

So in retirement, I am helping coach my granddaughters in little league girls softball. It is never dull and pretty demanding mentally at times. It takes a good bit of patience too. The girls try hard most of the time and it is rewarding to see them learn, grow, have fun and get better at the game.

There are two things that happen almost every game. One of the girls will field the ball and with so many people screaming what to do sometimes they just freeze and stand with the ball. The other thing that happens is a runner on base has to run because there is a runner or runners on the other base(s). The ball is hit into the base path they must run so they just stand on the base thinking if they run they will get out.

In both cases the outcome is not good because doing nothing is not a good decision in softball….the other team will take advantage of indecision. In marriage, not doing something when your spouse is hurting,or upset gives turmoil and trouble a foothold in your relationship. James 3:15 describes wisdom from heaven as pure and peace loving. Unattended conflict and frustration will not spontaneously turn into peace. If you want to strengthen your relationship you have to take action NOW.

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.

James 3:17

QUESTIONS

Q: When was the last time you knew there was an issue in your relationship? What did you do and what can you learn from it?

Q: When you are upset or hurt, do you just want someone to listen (not solve the problem)? Actively listening can be helpful to anyone who is struggling.

CALL TO ACTION

Use the fruit of the Spirit as a guide to measure your actions or inaction, ask yourself; Do my actions reflect ____________?

  • Love
  • Joy
  • Peace
  • Patience
  • Kindness
  • Goodness
  • Faithfulness
  • Gentleness
  • Self-control

Source: Galatians 5:22

Go Fan That Fire!

Where are you looking?

One of the calls I responded to hundreds if not thousands of times as a firefighter was vehicle crashes. Many of them were the result of impaired driving, distracted driving, and often speed.

During college football season, I saw a funny insurance commercial about tailgating at a football game. The driver of a vehicle was too busy looking at the guy riding close on his rear bumper and ends up running into the pickup truck in front of him.

In your relationship with your spouse are you looking behind you at the past or looking ahead? When you have a disagreement do you bring up things from the past? Stop keeping score, forgive and own your actions and decisions.

QUESTIONS

Q: Do I keep score in our relationship?

Q: Is there anything I need to forgive or be forgiven for?

Q : Do I want to be right anytime we have a conflict or disagreement?

Photo: The view behind me in heavy traffic on a trip.

CALL TO ACTION

Stay aware and alert to not bring up things from the past the next time you and your spouse have a disagreement. If there are unresolved issues from the past, have the courage to talk about them NOW seasoned with love, mercy, patience, grace and forgiveness.

Go Fan That Fire!

Love Languages

What makes your spouse feel loved? And what makes you feel loved? Those are two very important questions we need to all be continuously learning, exploring, and expressing in our marriage.

One of the best books about what makes us feel loved is by Gary Chapman. It is simply called, “The Five Love Languages”. I read it several years ago, have re-read it a few times, and it is just as relevant and helpful today.

The five primary love languages Gary identifies are:

  • Words of affirmation
  • Quality time
  • Receiving gifts
  • Acts of service
  • Physical touch

Words of affirmation are simply words that encourage, are kind or express forgiveness.

Quality time is time together with focus on each other or just good communications with clear messages and understanding each other.

Receiving gifts is also straight forward. The gift should be something the person receiving likes and not necessarily something you like. Take time and think about what gift would mean a lot or would make them happy. Sometimes it can even be the gift of self. Being there when your spouse needs you speaks loudly.

Acts of service require thoughtfulness, effort, energy and time which is what makes the impact on their heart. It means doing something you know your spouse would like you to do without being asked to do it.

Physical touch can be anything from hand holding, to a back rub, to sexual intimacy.

QUESTIONS

Q: What is your spouses primary two or three love languages?

Q: How do you know and are you sure?

Q: What are your primary love languages?

CALL TO ACTION

Talk together about what makes you feel loved using this blog info, or even better, you and your spouse take the self test attached (click on the link below) and talk about it.

Go Fan that Fire!

LOVE LANGUAGE SELF TEST

Here is a link to a self test to download to help you better identify you and your spouses love languages: https://nbcgutah.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/5.LoveLanguageTest.pdf

Coms are Key

Effective communications for firefighters operating on an emergency scene is key to both our safety and effectiveness. There are many variables with communications; the method, the language, ability to hear communications, and most importantly the ability to understand and be understood.

For many years signal numbers were used, like “10-97”meant you had arrived on the scene, “10-6” meant you were busy, and “10-9” meant you needed the radio traffic repeated. There were many, many more signals used and they varied from department to department and region to region.

Portable radios used for communications in exercises and training.

Going from codes to plain language is one way we changed our communications to assure more effective communications on the emergency scene. How effective is communications between you and your spouse? It is a critical part of your relationship.

Are you speaking plain language with your spouse? Next time you and your spouse talk, pay close attention to what is said, tone, volume, body language, and the ratio of listening to speaking.

QUESTIONS

Q: Are you making assumptions in your communications when you listen and speak? (Bad idea)

Q: Do you listen more than you talk?

Q: Are you wanting your spouse to read your mind?

Q: Is communications simple and clear and do both of you offer feedback to check in about what you think you heard your spouse say?

CALL TO ACTION

Use the above questions this week each time you talk with your spouse and raise your awareness about opportunities to improve communications in your relationship.

Go Fan that Fire!

8 Things to do Everyday

I heard something impactful last week on social media that is simple, clear and concise. It is something I now use and has practical application in life. It definitely has application to our marriage relationship. So here are the 8 actions we need to take each day with some minor revisions:

  • No more complaining, instead focus on finding solutions and making things better.
  • Skip the blame game, taking responsibility for your actions is how you learn and grow.
  • Stay calm, skip the arguments. Talk it out and find common ground.
  • Stay humble, skip the bragging. Your actions speak volumes about you and staying humble earns respect.
  • Calm conversations, no yelling. Attacking verbally results in defensiveness and hurt not good communications or better relationships.
  • Learn to listen, talk later. Listen more than you talk. Seek to understand before sharing your thoughts.
  • Be kind, skip the judging. Put yourself in others shoes, it will help build empathy and better relationships.
  • Stick to the truth, skip the lies. Honesty builds trust, and without trust there is no relationship.

QUESTIONS

Q: Which items represent your biggest challenge? No one is perfect but each of us can grow when we live intentionally.

Q: Which items are you already doing regularly? You should feel good about these areas.

CALL TO ACTION

Write these 8 actions down on a piece of paper, an index card, or as a note on your phone and read them every day first thing and last thing before you go to bed for the month of April. Hold yourself accountable and reward yourself when you follow through.

Go fan that fire!