Month: February 2024

2 In 2 Out

In the fire service we have a practice called “2 in, 2 out” that is done for the safety of firefighters inside a structure fighting fire. It requires at least two firefighters enter the Immediately Dangerous to life or Health (IDLH) atmosphere and remain in visual or voice contact with each other at all times. The practice also requires at least two partner firefighters be located outside the IDLH atmosphere, thus the term, “two in/two out”. This assures that the “two in” can monitor each other and assist with equipment failure or entrapment or other hazards, and the “two out” can monitor those in the building, initiate rescue, or call for back-up.

“2 In-2 Out” is like hand rails to guide and keep partners safe from relationship dangers on their path.

I suggest you consider the 2 in 2 out practice for your marriage. Just like a structure fire there are everyday hazards to the marriage relationship. Complacency, poor communications, poor financial decisions, and generally unwise decisions are some of those dangers to be aware of. The two outside should help with encouragement, accountability and know when to call for help for larger issues.

Each spouse should have a friend who helps watch and listen for danger and questionable decisions or actions in the marriage relationship. The husband’s friend should be a guy who has similar beliefs and morals and the wife’s friend should be a gal with the same.

My beautiful bride and I in Yelm, Washington visiting our daughter, son-in-law and grand kids a few years ago.

QUESTIONS

Q : Who could be your “2 out” for your marriage relationship?

Q: What are the three areas of concern in your relationship that you could ask your outside person to ask you about regularly?

Q: How often do you check in with your spouse by asking questions like, How are we doing? And asking how you can do better in the relationship.

CALL TO ACTION

Identify your person outside, talk with them and set some ground rules about being accountable and encouraging each other to continue growing in your marriages.

Feelings Follow Actions

Pick a reality love show and you will hear these words, “I just don’t feel it, so I can’t commit to this relationship.” What feeling is that person seeking? Happiness, friendship, physical attraction, love?

As a firefighter you must take actions every day to be ready to respond, actions to resolve the emergency and save lives and property, and simultaneously actions to keep you and your fellow firefighters safe in very dangerous circumstances. The feeling of knowing you were able to effectively help someone only comes after ALL of the actions you take.

If you expect a person to bring you happiness you are putting gigantic, unhealthy expectations on an imperfect human being. A friendship and romantic love are both relationships that require work, commitment, and the ability to forgive. Attraction or chemistry is mostly physical attraction or some form of sexual desire.

So why is it we so often want to feel a certain way before we take action? Have you felt accomplished before you met the goal, so then you pushed and achieved the goal? Not me!

Uphill on bridge of 4 mile run in Clearwater, Florida….feeling tired but kept running

I have seen many people who are waiting on a “feeling” to fall out of the sky on them. I call it waiting on the “Feeling Fairy” to hit them with a feeling stick. That is a trap that does not yield results.

Feelings follow action not the reverse. It is when we figure out what our goal is and identify the actions, and take action that progress is possible.

The formula I strive to live by is; consistent effort over time equals results. This works in any area, relationships, exercise, diet, career, etc.

QUESTIONS

Q: What is a specific goal for my relationship with my spouse?

Q: What are actions I need to take to achieve that goal?

Q: Does my goal contain the key components for a path to achieving the goal (Measurable, Attainable, Personal, Specific)?

CALL TO ACTION

Take the first step this week and write out a CLEAR goal for your relationship.

BONUS ACTIONS

Take one action a day for the next week.

Go fan the fire!

The Love Tree

It seems appropriate to discuss the love tree on the week of Valentine’s day. I had the pleasure of visiting St. Augustine, Florida. While I and my bride were there we enjoyed some great food at area restaurants, chilled on the beach and went on a carriage ride with a great tour guide. During our carriage ride we learned about the love tree that grows in St. Augustine. The guide told us there were only seven of these trees in St. Augustine.

From a plant perspective, the seed of a palm tree falls into a crack or hole in a crooked oak tree. It is damp enough in St. Augustine for the palm tree to soak up moisture from the oak tree’s bark, sprouts, and grow. The palm tree eventually sends down shallow roots that don’t interfere with the deep roots of the oak, leaving two different trees growing in the same space.

I prefer the local legend that one person planted the oak and the other the palm tree. They fell in love, and as their love grew the trees fused into one.

A Love Tree we saw on our trip.

The love tree is a great image that makes me think about marriage and the two people in love becoming one. I think that only truly happens over time with God’s help. Like the trees, we are two different people living in the same space, called home. Some factors on oneness to consider include:

  • Prayer
  • Invest Time Together
  • Spending Time Apart
  • Good Communications
  • Affection

QUESTIONS

Q: Do you pray for and with your spouse?

Q: When was the last time just you and your spouse did something fun together you both enjoy?

Q: Do you have girl friends for wives or guy friends for husbands with similar values that you spend time with?

Q: Do you communicate clearly and regularly? Are you an active listener?

Q: When was the last time you held hands or hugged your spouse, “just because you love them”?

A CALL TO ACTION

Reflect on the five oneness factors mentioned and pick one to address. Do something you have not been doing to nurture your growth as husband and wife. Go fan that fire!