All of our clothes have stitches that hold the garment together and create style. Firefighters wear gear or “personal protective equipment” to protect us from the threats of a fire. Some call it bunker gear, but whatever you call it, the safety and protection of firefighters is its purpose.
It is not fire proof, it simply limits heat transfer and buys firefighters time. According to some manufacturers of the gear, once a firefighter feels the initial pain of a burn he or she has only 15 +/- seconds to get out.
The thread often used to sew the firefighter garment materials together is nonmex that is fire resistant too. That thread and those stitches are an integral part of the protection provided by the firefighting’s gear.
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
Ecclesiastes 4:12 NIV
QUESTIONS
Q: What type of thread are you using (Is it a cord of three strands: you, your spouse, and God)
Q: How do you know there is a cord of three strands in the stitches of your marriage?
Q: What can you do to strengthen your marriage bunker gear?
A CALL TO ACTION
Talk together with your spouse this week about how to tighten the strands that stitch together your marriage’s protection. Consider joining a small group at your church, or study and prayer time together. Find ways to pursue God’s heart together.
Danger typically comes in two types, immediate and long term. The immediate danger for firefighters come in the form of the size and location of the fire, chemicals and charged electrical equipment. The most deadly long term danger most prevalent for firefighters is cancer from repeated exposure to carcinogens encountered on emergencies.
Dangers generally for firefighters are detected through observations related to sights, sounds, smells, signs, type of occupancy, stored chemicals, container labels, fire intensity and location, structural instability, smoke color, energized electrical equipment, etc.
Often the signs of trouble in relationships are present and we just miss them. We, like firefighters need to always be paying attention and stay alert to all aspects of our relationship with our spouse.
Screenshot from Google Maps of College Ave. approaching a bridge in Athens, Georgia.
Notice the signs to the right and the flashing sign above the bridge. They are all signs of potential danger related to the height of vehicles. Those signs don’t prevent crashes or injuries unless the occupants of the vehicle are paying attention. In spite of those signs, this bridge has been struck numerous times, and vehicles frequently get stuck under it.
The clearance for vehicles passing under the bridge is 9 feet as the sign says. The average height of tractor trailer trucks is 13.5 feet. There in lies the potential danger for larger vehicles like buses, tractor trailers, moving trucks, etc.
Damage to bridge caused by vehicles hitting the bridge.
In spite of all the warning signs, note the damage to the bridge caused by many, many vehicles. If we are not paying attention in our marriage similarly, damage and ultimately destruction can result.
So what are some of those signs we should be aware of? From several sources here are some behavioral signs of danger ahead in your marriage:
Disrespect
Anger
Weak or nonexistent communications
Bad Financial Decisions
Blame
Controlling
Dishonesty
Physical or sexual abuse
Isolation
Relationship Road Signs
His intention was not to malign And his actions were fully benign But he still made a mess When he made a wrong guess With no clue what she meant by her sign.
When relationship signs don’t appear We will anxiously travel with fear So the challenge for us Is to talk and discuss And make sure that our signals are clear.
Dr. Bill Baker
QUESTIONS
Q: What areas in your marriage do you feel unsure about?
Q: What do you do to stay aware of potential danger to your marriage?
Q: What does “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” look like in your communications with your spouse?
CALL TO ACTION
Maintain great situational awareness in your marriage relationship. That means being present when you are with your spouse (like being careful about screen time and not talking much when you are together).
This week review the above behavioral signs of danger in this post and talk with your spouse about any concerns with a solution mindset, not an accusatory approach.
Firefighters face many dangers in doing their job. Dangers related to chemicals are generally detected through observations related to pre-plans, sights and sounds. One way to categorize dangers related to chemicals is the below system.
NFPA 704 Hazardous Materials Marking System.
This system labels containers with placards that identify the hazards. The four types of risk for chemicals identified by the NFPA 704 labeling system are health hazard, fire hazard, reactivity, and specific hazards. Similarly to marriage relationships there are the four areas most likely to cause risk. Dr. John Gottman, renowned marriage researcher has identified those four typical areas of marital conflict as:
Technology
Work Stress
Money
Housework
QUESTIONS
Q: Which of the four areas identified by Gottman is your biggest concern in your marriage?
Q: What is one thing you can you do to address your concern? (Have you ever talked about it with your spouse?)
CALL TO ACTION
Take action this week based on your answers above.
You let someone in front of you in traffic, give a gift to someone special, buy or prepare a meal for someone, send a note or a card, or one of many other actions. Do you expect anything in return? A wave, a thank you, a gift or action in return. Most of us do, which unintentionally changes the dynamics and the very nature of our actions.
When you hear the words unconditional love, what comes to mind? How easy is it to give unconditional love? What is the root of unconditional love?
The word “condition” is described by the dictionary as, “a restricting or modifying factor”. Restricting and love don’t seem to fit together. But it is our nature to be focused on self and to expect reciprocation when we do something for someone else. That expectation changes the power of the action and how it affects everyone.
My grandmother Lucille “shorty” Rivers on the left and two of her sisters, Nell and Lorena. These were some fun, amazing people in my life I learned many lessons about unconditional love from.
I propose to you that unconditional love is the highest level of love. It is given without any restrictions, no conditions, no expectations. That is love in its purest form, giving, selfless, sacrificial.
There was a person who demonstrated unconditional love. He did for others and while expecting nothing in return. He loved others to the point of even laying his life down without any expectations, only hoping that the love would be received. His name was Jesus Christ.
When a husband and wife love each other unconditionally it is this pure love that yields an amazing, lasting marriage.
That is what the fifth chapter of Ephesians was describing as a mystery in verse 32.
While being intentional to love through our words and actions without any expectations is a challenge. The rewards are extraordinary, and the strong relationships are the best of those rewards.
QUESTIONS
Q: How can you focus on the action and your intention not how the person responds?
Q: Why do you allow the response or a lack of an expected response determine how you feel about your actions? We all need some form of validation, but what other ways, even the cross, can provide that?
CALL TO ACTION
Express pure love to your spouse by doing something nice for them this week at least once. Mentally and emotionally expect nothing in return knowing you have expressed love in its purest form with no strings attached.
This principle works with relationships in general, try and see. I must warn you that loving unconditionally is possible but challenging with our selfish nature. Go fan that fire!
Responding to and preparing for the response requires firefighters to ask the right questions for the best outcome. Our performance as a team is impacted by asking the right questions. For structure fires we need to be asking questions like; are there occupants, what type of building is it, what hazards exist, where is the nearest fire hydrant, what do we know about conditions based on the 911 callers, etc.
Asking questions about a building for a pre-plan is critical to being both safe and effective as firefighters.
Communications and thoughtful questions are keys both in effective firefighting and loving marriages. Asking the right questions in a marriage relationship is a good way to grow in understanding. I challenge you to consider the art of seeking input from the one you love.
When you look at a question you are considering asking to determining if it is one of the right questions to ask, consider these question qualifiers:
The question should start with “what or how“
It should not start with, “why, when, or who”
The question should contain “I or we”
It should take personal responsibility
The question should not seek to blame
It should require more than a yes or no answer
The question should seek to focus on solutions
Some sample questions are; How can I be a better husband/wife? Describe a perfect date night I could take on. How are our communications? How can I make you feel more loved and appreciated? etc.
QUESTIONS
Q: What can you do to improve your communications skills?
Q: When was the last time you reflected on your actions with your spouse?
Q: Are you prone to blame or look for your responsibility?
Q: Do you stop and think before responding to a question?
CALL TO ACTION
1. Write 6 questions you would like to ask your spouse.
2. Determine what the top 3 questions are.
3. Discuss this with your spouse and volunteer to answer 3 questions your spouse would like to ask you.
4. Ask your spouse your 3 questions and actively listen (more on active listening in future blogs).
FireLighter Sparks 