Month: June 2024

Green Thumbs and Growing Hearts

I was in a store with my wife recently and saw a sign for sale that was titled “Garden Rules”. Each of these Garden Rules is applicable to our marriage relationships too. Our relationships are much like plants that need sunlight, rain, nutrients, and pruning to grow just like our marriage relationship. That relationship requires intentional actions by both spouses.

Garden Rules sign seen in a gift shop.

– The soil of plants or comparably the environment of relationships must have nutrients and food to sustain growth. The roots must be healthy for a plant to thrive or a relationship to grow. Healthy roots are both deep and are intertwined.

– The type of seeds you plant in your relationship will determine what the relationship becomes. If you plant seeds of faith, hope, love, forgives, and selflessness the relationship will be very different from a relationship with seeds of selfishness, pride, and ego.

– Whether you hope for it or not, there will be rain (otherwise known as adversity) in your relationship. Rain doesn’t have to define your relationship but it will test your resolve and commitment.

– Weeds or unhealthy habits can develop so pulling weeds is definitely required. Unhealthy relational habits includes selfishness, trying to be understood before you try to understand, not communicating clearly, among many other good habits.

– Playing in the dirt is a synonym for keeping fun and playfulness in your relationship. Playfulness can be simply mean having a weekly date night, writing love letters occasionally or planning a short fun, trip together.

– Feed the birds is learning about yourself and your spouse. Feed your mind to grow in understanding about each other and how we react, what we want, and what our hopes and fears are.

– Welcoming butterflies is about caring for your spiritual needs each day. Prayer, meditation, reading the Bible, and being still and listening to God’s voice and looking for His hand is like welcoming the butterflies in your back yard with plants they like.

– Bees are symbolic of developing a sweetness in your relationship, much like the honey bees produce. That sweetness is needed every day in small ways. It is about thinking about your spouse and doing things that they like and appreciate.

– We really need to live in the moment and take time to enjoy the view. Some people call this mindfulness, but whatever you want to call it, “be present in the moment” and don’t worry about tomorrow or rehash the past repeatedly.

QUESTIONS

Q: How is your marriage relationship garden on a scale of 1 to 10 with respect to each Garden Rule above?

Q: Which of the above garden rules could help your marriage?

CALL TO ACTION

Focus on one of the garden rules this week and work to cultivate a stronger marriage relationship.

Go fan that fire!

A Lost Art

Since Father’s Day is this coming weekend, I thought I’d share something my Dad taught me in life. I remember hearing at a very young age that we have two ears and one mouth, that we should listen twice as much as we talk. Easier said than done, especially when strong emotions and feelings are involved.

Me & My Dad a few years ago (ha, ha)

My Dad was one person who listened a lot more than he spoke, so I saw it modeled in life. He was a very patient man of few words but usually when he spoke it was worth listening.

Communications in firefighting is a life or death matter. The communications among fire department units must be clear and concise. The initial report of the first arriving fire apparatus paints a picture that builds a foundation for effectively resolving the emergency. That report typically includes 6 basic pieces of information:

1. Unit identification

2. Announce you are on Scene

3. Description of the problem

4. Describe any action you are taking

5. Declare your strategy

6. Assume command of the scene

We also need to be clear and concise in the communications with our spouse. Listening in marriage means more than just not talking. It means acknowledging what is said so the person speaking knows you heard the message, even if you disagree with it. One phrase to use when giving that feedback is, “so what I hear you saying is…..”.

Active listening is at the heart of this lost art. Active listening means focused, non-judgmental listening with your heart, mind, eyes and ears. Feedback is the food of communication champions by the way. Think about the last time your spouse was telling you something, did you actively listen; did you take these 6 basic active listening actions to foster good communications:

  • Face them, give them your full attention & have good eye contact
  • Observe their body language (non-verbal cues)
  • Listen without immediately judging
  • Not start to think about what you want to say before acknowledging what was being said to you
  • Ask questions to better understand and clarify
  • Paraphrase and summarize what was said to you

QUESTIONS

Q: Do I typically talk more than I listen?

Q: What aspects of active listening above can I improve on this week?

CALL TO ACTION

For this week focus on just three of the above 6 basic communications aspects of active listening and work to get better.

Go fan that fire!

Things are Not Always as They Appear

During my fire service career, emergencies responded to sometimes turned out very different than we thought we were responding to initially. A car crash that turned into a natural gas explosion of a home, a grass fire that turned into an attack on my crew, a heart attack that turned into a massive commercial fire, or a fire alarm that turned into a suicide by police officer. Just like the saying, “Don’t judge a book by its cover”, circumstances are not always as they first appear.

Firefighters must make the best decisions based on the information they have very quickly. They must also be continually looking and evaluating what they are facing in an emergency. Expect the unexpected and be ready for almost anything! In our marriage we must also be paying attention to our spouse, our relationship, the actions of others and our own actions and thoughts. Especially look out for the subtle distractions that the devil uses to attack you and your marriage.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. – 1 Peter 5:8 NIV

Emergency shutoff at a gas station to prevent a dangerous fuel fire.

Just because things are quiet doesn’t mean all is well. There is often a brief calm just before a tornado rips through an area. I feel pretty sure attacking marriage relationships is pretty high on the devil’s to do list every day. It’s not a good day if you have to hit the emergency button in your marriage.

QUESTIONS

Q: How is your spouse doing? When was the last time you looked into their eyes and asked an open ended question that required more than a yes or no response?

Q: Do you have anyone in your life who has permission to call you out when you cross into bad territory through your actions? How is your thought life?

CALL TO ACTION

Begin cultivating an accountability partner to help your awareness and vision this week.

Go Fan that Flame!