Category: Marriage

A Lost Art

Since Father’s Day is this coming weekend, I thought I’d share something my Dad taught me in life. I remember hearing at a very young age that we have two ears and one mouth, that we should listen twice as much as we talk. Easier said than done, especially when strong emotions and feelings are involved.

Me & My Dad a few years ago (ha, ha)

My Dad was one person who listened a lot more than he spoke, so I saw it modeled in life. He was a very patient man of few words but usually when he spoke it was worth listening.

Communications in firefighting is a life or death matter. The communications among fire department units must be clear and concise. The initial report of the first arriving fire apparatus paints a picture that builds a foundation for effectively resolving the emergency. That report typically includes 6 basic pieces of information:

1. Unit identification

2. Announce you are on Scene

3. Description of the problem

4. Describe any action you are taking

5. Declare your strategy

6. Assume command of the scene

We also need to be clear and concise in the communications with our spouse. Listening in marriage means more than just not talking. It means acknowledging what is said so the person speaking knows you heard the message, even if you disagree with it. One phrase to use when giving that feedback is, “so what I hear you saying is…..”.

Active listening is at the heart of this lost art. Active listening means focused, non-judgmental listening with your heart, mind, eyes and ears. Feedback is the food of communication champions by the way. Think about the last time your spouse was telling you something, did you actively listen; did you take these 6 basic active listening actions to foster good communications:

  • Face them, give them your full attention & have good eye contact
  • Observe their body language (non-verbal cues)
  • Listen without immediately judging
  • Not start to think about what you want to say before acknowledging what was being said to you
  • Ask questions to better understand and clarify
  • Paraphrase and summarize what was said to you

QUESTIONS

Q: Do I typically talk more than I listen?

Q: What aspects of active listening above can I improve on this week?

CALL TO ACTION

For this week focus on just three of the above 6 basic communications aspects of active listening and work to get better.

Go fan that fire!

Angle of Departure

An important factor for firefighters is something called the angle of departure. It is the angle between the ground and a line running from the rear tire of the fire truck to the lowest-hanging point directly behind it, which is usually the rear tailboard of the fire truck. It identifies how steep an incline the apparatus can clear when departing from that angle. It typically should be at least 8 degrees.

The rear tailboard of a fire truck.

When you start each day what is your angle of departure. It can mean the difference between friction and a fruitful day. How you start each day affects both your relationship and life in general. Some of the factors affecting your departure into the day include:

  • Physical: rest, exercise, diet
  • Emotional: self care, thankful attitude, awareness of feelings, building healthy relationships
  • Mental: plan but stay flexible, practice personal accountability, reflect on your core values often, get comfortable being uncomfortable to grow

According to the National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute, adults sleeping less than 7 hours a night is tied to bad health outcomes.

QUESTIONS

Q: What is one thing you can do each day this week to improve your angle of departure each day?

Q: What area do you struggle the most with? (physical, mental, or emotional)

CALL TO ACTION

Based on your biggest struggle do ONE THING each day this week to improve your angle of departure in your relationship and life.

Go Fan That Fire!

Don’t Do Anything. . . Not Usually a Good Approach

So in retirement, I am helping coach my granddaughters in little league girls softball. It is never dull and pretty demanding mentally at times. It takes a good bit of patience too. The girls try hard most of the time and it is rewarding to see them learn, grow, have fun and get better at the game.

There are two things that happen almost every game. One of the girls will field the ball and with so many people screaming what to do sometimes they just freeze and stand with the ball. The other thing that happens is a runner on base has to run because there is a runner or runners on the other base(s). The ball is hit into the base path they must run so they just stand on the base thinking if they run they will get out.

In both cases the outcome is not good because doing nothing is not a good decision in softball….the other team will take advantage of indecision. In marriage, not doing something when your spouse is hurting,or upset gives turmoil and trouble a foothold in your relationship. James 3:15 describes wisdom from heaven as pure and peace loving. Unattended conflict and frustration will not spontaneously turn into peace. If you want to strengthen your relationship you have to take action NOW.

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.

James 3:17

QUESTIONS

Q: When was the last time you knew there was an issue in your relationship? What did you do and what can you learn from it?

Q: When you are upset or hurt, do you just want someone to listen (not solve the problem)? Actively listening can be helpful to anyone who is struggling.

CALL TO ACTION

Use the fruit of the Spirit as a guide to measure your actions or inaction, ask yourself; Do my actions reflect ____________?

  • Love
  • Joy
  • Peace
  • Patience
  • Kindness
  • Goodness
  • Faithfulness
  • Gentleness
  • Self-control

Source: Galatians 5:22

Go Fan That Fire!

Love Languages

What makes your spouse feel loved? And what makes you feel loved? Those are two very important questions we need to all be continuously learning, exploring, and expressing in our marriage.

One of the best books about what makes us feel loved is by Gary Chapman. It is simply called, “The Five Love Languages”. I read it several years ago, have re-read it a few times, and it is just as relevant and helpful today.

The five primary love languages Gary identifies are:

  • Words of affirmation
  • Quality time
  • Receiving gifts
  • Acts of service
  • Physical touch

Words of affirmation are simply words that encourage, are kind or express forgiveness.

Quality time is time together with focus on each other or just good communications with clear messages and understanding each other.

Receiving gifts is also straight forward. The gift should be something the person receiving likes and not necessarily something you like. Take time and think about what gift would mean a lot or would make them happy. Sometimes it can even be the gift of self. Being there when your spouse needs you speaks loudly.

Acts of service require thoughtfulness, effort, energy and time which is what makes the impact on their heart. It means doing something you know your spouse would like you to do without being asked to do it.

Physical touch can be anything from hand holding, to a back rub, to sexual intimacy.

QUESTIONS

Q: What is your spouses primary two or three love languages?

Q: How do you know and are you sure?

Q: What are your primary love languages?

CALL TO ACTION

Talk together about what makes you feel loved using this blog info, or even better, you and your spouse take the self test attached (click on the link below) and talk about it.

Go Fan that Fire!

LOVE LANGUAGE SELF TEST

Here is a link to a self test to download to help you better identify you and your spouses love languages: https://nbcgutah.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/5.LoveLanguageTest.pdf

8 Things to do Everyday

I heard something impactful last week on social media that is simple, clear and concise. It is something I now use and has practical application in life. It definitely has application to our marriage relationship. So here are the 8 actions we need to take each day with some minor revisions:

  • No more complaining, instead focus on finding solutions and making things better.
  • Skip the blame game, taking responsibility for your actions is how you learn and grow.
  • Stay calm, skip the arguments. Talk it out and find common ground.
  • Stay humble, skip the bragging. Your actions speak volumes about you and staying humble earns respect.
  • Calm conversations, no yelling. Attacking verbally results in defensiveness and hurt not good communications or better relationships.
  • Learn to listen, talk later. Listen more than you talk. Seek to understand before sharing your thoughts.
  • Be kind, skip the judging. Put yourself in others shoes, it will help build empathy and better relationships.
  • Stick to the truth, skip the lies. Honesty builds trust, and without trust there is no relationship.

QUESTIONS

Q: Which items represent your biggest challenge? No one is perfect but each of us can grow when we live intentionally.

Q: Which items are you already doing regularly? You should feel good about these areas.

CALL TO ACTION

Write these 8 actions down on a piece of paper, an index card, or as a note on your phone and read them every day first thing and last thing before you go to bed for the month of April. Hold yourself accountable and reward yourself when you follow through.

Go fan that fire!

Signs of Danger Ahead

Danger typically comes in two types, immediate and long term. The immediate danger for firefighters come in the form of the size and location of the fire, chemicals and charged electrical equipment. The most deadly long term danger most prevalent for firefighters is cancer from repeated exposure to carcinogens encountered on emergencies.

Dangers generally for firefighters are detected through observations related to sights, sounds, smells, signs, type of occupancy, stored chemicals, container labels, fire intensity and location, structural instability, smoke color, energized electrical equipment, etc.

Often the signs of trouble in relationships are present and we just miss them. We, like firefighters need to always be paying attention and stay alert to all aspects of our relationship with our spouse.

Screenshot from Google Maps of College Ave. approaching a bridge in Athens, Georgia.

Notice the signs to the right and the flashing sign above the bridge. They are all signs of potential danger related to the height of vehicles. Those signs don’t prevent crashes or injuries unless the occupants of the vehicle are paying attention. In spite of those signs, this bridge has been struck numerous times, and vehicles frequently get stuck under it.

The clearance for vehicles passing under the bridge is 9 feet as the sign says. The average height of tractor trailer trucks is 13.5 feet. There in lies the potential danger for larger vehicles like buses, tractor trailers, moving trucks, etc.

Damage to bridge caused by vehicles hitting the bridge.

In spite of all the warning signs, note the damage to the bridge caused by many, many vehicles. If we are not paying attention in our marriage similarly, damage and ultimately destruction can result.

So what are some of those signs we should be aware of? From several sources here are some behavioral signs of danger ahead in your marriage:

  • Disrespect
  • Anger
  • Weak or nonexistent communications
  • Bad Financial Decisions
  • Blame
  • Controlling
  • Dishonesty
  • Physical or sexual abuse
  • Isolation

Relationship Road Signs

               His intention was not to malign
               And his actions were fully benign
                        But he still made a mess
                        When he made a wrong guess
               With no clue what she meant by her sign.

               When relationship signs don’t appear
               We will anxiously travel with fear
                        So the challenge for us
                       Is to talk and discuss
               And make sure that our signals are clear.

Dr. Bill Baker

QUESTIONS

Q: What areas in your marriage do you feel unsure about?

Q: What do you do to stay aware of potential danger to your marriage?

Q: What does “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” look like in your communications with your spouse?

CALL TO ACTION

Maintain great situational awareness in your marriage relationship. That means being present when you are with your spouse (like being careful about screen time and not talking much when you are together).

Pay attention to their mood, and ask good questions (see previous post). https://firelighter.home.blog/2024/03/04/askingtherightquestions/

This week review the above behavioral signs of danger in this post and talk with your spouse about any concerns with a solution mindset, not an accusatory approach.

Go Fan That Fire!

Hazmat Dangers

Firefighters face many dangers in doing their job. Dangers related to chemicals are generally detected through observations related to pre-plans, sights and sounds. One way to categorize dangers related to chemicals is the below system.

NFPA 704 Hazardous Materials Marking System.

This system labels containers with placards that identify the hazards. The four types of risk for chemicals identified by the NFPA 704 labeling system are health hazard, fire hazard, reactivity, and specific hazards. Similarly to marriage relationships there are the four areas most likely to cause risk. Dr. John Gottman, renowned marriage researcher has identified those four typical areas of marital conflict as:

  • Technology
  • Work Stress
  • Money
  • Housework

QUESTIONS

Q: Which of the four areas identified by Gottman is your biggest concern in your marriage?

Q: What is one thing you can you do to address your concern? (Have you ever talked about it with your spouse?)

CALL TO ACTION

Take action this week based on your answers above.

Go fan that fire!

?Asking?The?Right?Questions?

Responding to and preparing for the response requires firefighters to ask the right questions for the best outcome. Our performance as a team is impacted by asking the right questions. For structure fires we need to be asking questions like; are there occupants, what type of building is it, what hazards exist, where is the nearest fire hydrant, what do we know about conditions based on the 911 callers, etc.

Asking questions about a building for a pre-plan is critical to being both safe and effective as firefighters.

Communications and thoughtful questions are keys both in effective firefighting and loving marriages. Asking the right questions in a marriage relationship is a good way to grow in understanding. I challenge you to consider the art of seeking input from the one you love.

When you look at a question you are considering asking to determining if it is one of the right questions to ask, consider these question qualifiers:

  • The question should start with “what or how“
  • It should not start with, “why, when, or who”
  • The question should contain “I or we”
  • It should take personal responsibility
  • The question should not seek to blame
  • It should require more than a yes or no answer
  • The question should seek to focus on solutions

Some sample questions are; How can I be a better husband/wife? Describe a perfect date night I could take on. How are our communications? How can I make you feel more loved and appreciated? etc.

QUESTIONS

Q: What can you do to improve your communications skills?

Q: When was the last time you reflected on your actions with your spouse?

Q: Are you prone to blame or look for your responsibility?

Q: Do you stop and think before responding to a question?

CALL TO ACTION

1. Write 6 questions you would like to ask your spouse.

2. Determine what the top 3 questions are.

3. Discuss this with your spouse and volunteer to answer 3 questions your spouse would like to ask you.

4. Ask your spouse your 3 questions and actively listen (more on active listening in future blogs).

Go Fan That Fire!

2 In 2 Out

In the fire service we have a practice called “2 in, 2 out” that is done for the safety of firefighters inside a structure fighting fire. It requires at least two firefighters enter the Immediately Dangerous to life or Health (IDLH) atmosphere and remain in visual or voice contact with each other at all times. The practice also requires at least two partner firefighters be located outside the IDLH atmosphere, thus the term, “two in/two out”. This assures that the “two in” can monitor each other and assist with equipment failure or entrapment or other hazards, and the “two out” can monitor those in the building, initiate rescue, or call for back-up.

“2 In-2 Out” is like hand rails to guide and keep partners safe from relationship dangers on their path.

I suggest you consider the 2 in 2 out practice for your marriage. Just like a structure fire there are everyday hazards to the marriage relationship. Complacency, poor communications, poor financial decisions, and generally unwise decisions are some of those dangers to be aware of. The two outside should help with encouragement, accountability and know when to call for help for larger issues.

Each spouse should have a friend who helps watch and listen for danger and questionable decisions or actions in the marriage relationship. The husband’s friend should be a guy who has similar beliefs and morals and the wife’s friend should be a gal with the same.

My beautiful bride and I in Yelm, Washington visiting our daughter, son-in-law and grand kids a few years ago.

QUESTIONS

Q : Who could be your “2 out” for your marriage relationship?

Q: What are the three areas of concern in your relationship that you could ask your outside person to ask you about regularly?

Q: How often do you check in with your spouse by asking questions like, How are we doing? And asking how you can do better in the relationship.

CALL TO ACTION

Identify your person outside, talk with them and set some ground rules about being accountable and encouraging each other to continue growing in your marriages.

Feelings Follow Actions

Pick a reality love show and you will hear these words, “I just don’t feel it, so I can’t commit to this relationship.” What feeling is that person seeking? Happiness, friendship, physical attraction, love?

As a firefighter you must take actions every day to be ready to respond, actions to resolve the emergency and save lives and property, and simultaneously actions to keep you and your fellow firefighters safe in very dangerous circumstances. The feeling of knowing you were able to effectively help someone only comes after ALL of the actions you take.

If you expect a person to bring you happiness you are putting gigantic, unhealthy expectations on an imperfect human being. A friendship and romantic love are both relationships that require work, commitment, and the ability to forgive. Attraction or chemistry is mostly physical attraction or some form of sexual desire.

So why is it we so often want to feel a certain way before we take action? Have you felt accomplished before you met the goal, so then you pushed and achieved the goal? Not me!

Uphill on bridge of 4 mile run in Clearwater, Florida….feeling tired but kept running

I have seen many people who are waiting on a “feeling” to fall out of the sky on them. I call it waiting on the “Feeling Fairy” to hit them with a feeling stick. That is a trap that does not yield results.

Feelings follow action not the reverse. It is when we figure out what our goal is and identify the actions, and take action that progress is possible.

The formula I strive to live by is; consistent effort over time equals results. This works in any area, relationships, exercise, diet, career, etc.

QUESTIONS

Q: What is a specific goal for my relationship with my spouse?

Q: What are actions I need to take to achieve that goal?

Q: Does my goal contain the key components for a path to achieving the goal (Measurable, Attainable, Personal, Specific)?

CALL TO ACTION

Take the first step this week and write out a CLEAR goal for your relationship.

BONUS ACTIONS

Take one action a day for the next week.

Go fan the fire!