Category: Uncategorized

Green Thumbs and Growing Hearts

I was in a store with my wife recently and saw a sign for sale that was titled “Garden Rules”. Each of these Garden Rules is applicable to our marriage relationships too. Our relationships are much like plants that need sunlight, rain, nutrients, and pruning to grow just like our marriage relationship. That relationship requires intentional actions by both spouses.

Garden Rules sign seen in a gift shop.

– The soil of plants or comparably the environment of relationships must have nutrients and food to sustain growth. The roots must be healthy for a plant to thrive or a relationship to grow. Healthy roots are both deep and are intertwined.

– The type of seeds you plant in your relationship will determine what the relationship becomes. If you plant seeds of faith, hope, love, forgives, and selflessness the relationship will be very different from a relationship with seeds of selfishness, pride, and ego.

– Whether you hope for it or not, there will be rain (otherwise known as adversity) in your relationship. Rain doesn’t have to define your relationship but it will test your resolve and commitment.

– Weeds or unhealthy habits can develop so pulling weeds is definitely required. Unhealthy relational habits includes selfishness, trying to be understood before you try to understand, not communicating clearly, among many other good habits.

– Playing in the dirt is a synonym for keeping fun and playfulness in your relationship. Playfulness can be simply mean having a weekly date night, writing love letters occasionally or planning a short fun, trip together.

– Feed the birds is learning about yourself and your spouse. Feed your mind to grow in understanding about each other and how we react, what we want, and what our hopes and fears are.

– Welcoming butterflies is about caring for your spiritual needs each day. Prayer, meditation, reading the Bible, and being still and listening to God’s voice and looking for His hand is like welcoming the butterflies in your back yard with plants they like.

– Bees are symbolic of developing a sweetness in your relationship, much like the honey bees produce. That sweetness is needed every day in small ways. It is about thinking about your spouse and doing things that they like and appreciate.

– We really need to live in the moment and take time to enjoy the view. Some people call this mindfulness, but whatever you want to call it, “be present in the moment” and don’t worry about tomorrow or rehash the past repeatedly.

QUESTIONS

Q: How is your marriage relationship garden on a scale of 1 to 10 with respect to each Garden Rule above?

Q: Which of the above garden rules could help your marriage?

CALL TO ACTION

Focus on one of the garden rules this week and work to cultivate a stronger marriage relationship.

Go fan that fire!

Things are Not Always as They Appear

During my fire service career, emergencies responded to sometimes turned out very different than we thought we were responding to initially. A car crash that turned into a natural gas explosion of a home, a grass fire that turned into an attack on my crew, a heart attack that turned into a massive commercial fire, or a fire alarm that turned into a suicide by police officer. Just like the saying, “Don’t judge a book by its cover”, circumstances are not always as they first appear.

Firefighters must make the best decisions based on the information they have very quickly. They must also be continually looking and evaluating what they are facing in an emergency. Expect the unexpected and be ready for almost anything! In our marriage we must also be paying attention to our spouse, our relationship, the actions of others and our own actions and thoughts. Especially look out for the subtle distractions that the devil uses to attack you and your marriage.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. – 1 Peter 5:8 NIV

Emergency shutoff at a gas station to prevent a dangerous fuel fire.

Just because things are quiet doesn’t mean all is well. There is often a brief calm just before a tornado rips through an area. I feel pretty sure attacking marriage relationships is pretty high on the devil’s to do list every day. It’s not a good day if you have to hit the emergency button in your marriage.

QUESTIONS

Q: How is your spouse doing? When was the last time you looked into their eyes and asked an open ended question that required more than a yes or no response?

Q: Do you have anyone in your life who has permission to call you out when you cross into bad territory through your actions? How is your thought life?

CALL TO ACTION

Begin cultivating an accountability partner to help your awareness and vision this week.

Go Fan that Flame!

Where are you looking?

One of the calls I responded to hundreds if not thousands of times as a firefighter was vehicle crashes. Many of them were the result of impaired driving, distracted driving, and often speed.

During college football season, I saw a funny insurance commercial about tailgating at a football game. The driver of a vehicle was too busy looking at the guy riding close on his rear bumper and ends up running into the pickup truck in front of him.

In your relationship with your spouse are you looking behind you at the past or looking ahead? When you have a disagreement do you bring up things from the past? Stop keeping score, forgive and own your actions and decisions.

QUESTIONS

Q: Do I keep score in our relationship?

Q: Is there anything I need to forgive or be forgiven for?

Q : Do I want to be right anytime we have a conflict or disagreement?

Photo: The view behind me in heavy traffic on a trip.

CALL TO ACTION

Stay aware and alert to not bring up things from the past the next time you and your spouse have a disagreement. If there are unresolved issues from the past, have the courage to talk about them NOW seasoned with love, mercy, patience, grace and forgiveness.

Go Fan That Fire!

Coms are Key

Effective communications for firefighters operating on an emergency scene is key to both our safety and effectiveness. There are many variables with communications; the method, the language, ability to hear communications, and most importantly the ability to understand and be understood.

For many years signal numbers were used, like “10-97”meant you had arrived on the scene, “10-6” meant you were busy, and “10-9” meant you needed the radio traffic repeated. There were many, many more signals used and they varied from department to department and region to region.

Portable radios used for communications in exercises and training.

Going from codes to plain language is one way we changed our communications to assure more effective communications on the emergency scene. How effective is communications between you and your spouse? It is a critical part of your relationship.

Are you speaking plain language with your spouse? Next time you and your spouse talk, pay close attention to what is said, tone, volume, body language, and the ratio of listening to speaking.

QUESTIONS

Q: Are you making assumptions in your communications when you listen and speak? (Bad idea)

Q: Do you listen more than you talk?

Q: Are you wanting your spouse to read your mind?

Q: Is communications simple and clear and do both of you offer feedback to check in about what you think you heard your spouse say?

CALL TO ACTION

Use the above questions this week each time you talk with your spouse and raise your awareness about opportunities to improve communications in your relationship.

Go Fan that Fire!

The Value of a Stitch

All of our clothes have stitches that hold the garment together and create style. Firefighters wear gear or “personal protective equipment” to protect us from the threats of a fire. Some call it bunker gear, but whatever you call it, the safety and protection of firefighters is its purpose.

It is not fire proof, it simply limits heat transfer and buys firefighters time. According to some manufacturers of the gear, once a firefighter feels the initial pain of a burn he or she has only 15 +/- seconds to get out.

The thread often used to sew the firefighter garment materials together is nonmex that is fire resistant too. That thread and those stitches are an integral part of the protection provided by the firefighting’s gear.

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

Ecclesiastes 4:12 NIV

QUESTIONS

Q: What type of thread are you using (Is it a cord of three strands: you, your spouse, and God)

Q: How do you know there is a cord of three strands in the stitches of your marriage?

Q: What can you do to strengthen your marriage bunker gear?

A CALL TO ACTION

Talk together with your spouse this week about how to tighten the strands that stitch together your marriage’s protection. Consider joining a small group at your church, or study and prayer time together. Find ways to pursue God’s heart together.

Go fan that fire!

Not so Great Expectations

You let someone in front of you in traffic, give a gift to someone special, buy or prepare a meal for someone, send a note or a card, or one of many other actions. Do you expect anything in return? A wave, a thank you, a gift or action in return. Most of us do, which unintentionally changes the dynamics and the very nature of our actions.

When you hear the words unconditional love, what comes to mind? How easy is it to give unconditional love? What is the root of unconditional love?

The word “condition” is described by the dictionary as, “a restricting or modifying factor”. Restricting and love don’t seem to fit together. But it is our nature to be focused on self and to expect reciprocation when we do something for someone else. That expectation changes the power of the action and how it affects everyone.

My grandmother Lucille “shorty” Rivers on the left and two of her sisters, Nell and Lorena. These were some fun, amazing people in my life I learned many lessons about unconditional love from.

I propose to you that unconditional love is the highest level of love. It is given without any restrictions, no conditions, no expectations. That is love in its purest form, giving, selfless, sacrificial.

There was a person who demonstrated unconditional love. He did for others and while expecting nothing in return. He loved others to the point of even laying his life down without any expectations, only hoping that the love would be received. His name was Jesus Christ.

When a husband and wife love each other unconditionally it is this pure love that yields an amazing, lasting marriage.

That is what the fifth chapter of Ephesians was describing as a mystery in verse 32.

While being intentional to love through our words and actions without any expectations is a challenge. The rewards are extraordinary, and the strong relationships are the best of those rewards.

QUESTIONS

Q: How can you focus on the action and your intention not how the person responds?

Q: Why do you allow the response or a lack of an expected response determine how you feel about your actions? We all need some form of validation, but what other ways, even the cross, can provide that?

CALL TO ACTION

Express pure love to your spouse by doing something nice for them this week at least once. Mentally and emotionally expect nothing in return knowing you have expressed love in its purest form with no strings attached.

This principle works with relationships in general, try and see. I must warn you that loving unconditionally is possible but challenging with our selfish nature. Go fan that fire!