All of our clothes have stitches that hold the garment together and create style. Firefighters wear gear or “personal protective equipment” to protect us from the threats of a fire. Some call it bunker gear, but whatever you call it, the safety and protection of firefighters is its purpose.
It is not fire proof, it simply limits heat transfer and buys firefighters time. According to some manufacturers of the gear, once a firefighter feels the initial pain of a burn he or she has only 15 +/- seconds to get out.
The thread often used to sew the firefighter garment materials together is nonmex that is fire resistant too. That thread and those stitches are an integral part of the protection provided by the firefighting’s gear.
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
Ecclesiastes 4:12 NIV
QUESTIONS
Q: What type of thread are you using (Is it a cord of three strands: you, your spouse, and God)
Q: How do you know there is a cord of three strands in the stitches of your marriage?
Q: What can you do to strengthen your marriage bunker gear?
A CALL TO ACTION
Talk together with your spouse this week about how to tighten the strands that stitch together your marriage’s protection. Consider joining a small group at your church, or study and prayer time together. Find ways to pursue God’s heart together.
Danger typically comes in two types, immediate and long term. The immediate danger for firefighters come in the form of the size and location of the fire, chemicals and charged electrical equipment. The most deadly long term danger most prevalent for firefighters is cancer from repeated exposure to carcinogens encountered on emergencies.
Dangers generally for firefighters are detected through observations related to sights, sounds, smells, signs, type of occupancy, stored chemicals, container labels, fire intensity and location, structural instability, smoke color, energized electrical equipment, etc.
Often the signs of trouble in relationships are present and we just miss them. We, like firefighters need to always be paying attention and stay alert to all aspects of our relationship with our spouse.
Screenshot from Google Maps of College Ave. approaching a bridge in Athens, Georgia.
Notice the signs to the right and the flashing sign above the bridge. They are all signs of potential danger related to the height of vehicles. Those signs don’t prevent crashes or injuries unless the occupants of the vehicle are paying attention. In spite of those signs, this bridge has been struck numerous times, and vehicles frequently get stuck under it.
The clearance for vehicles passing under the bridge is 9 feet as the sign says. The average height of tractor trailer trucks is 13.5 feet. There in lies the potential danger for larger vehicles like buses, tractor trailers, moving trucks, etc.
Damage to bridge caused by vehicles hitting the bridge.
In spite of all the warning signs, note the damage to the bridge caused by many, many vehicles. If we are not paying attention in our marriage similarly, damage and ultimately destruction can result.
So what are some of those signs we should be aware of? From several sources here are some behavioral signs of danger ahead in your marriage:
Disrespect
Anger
Weak or nonexistent communications
Bad Financial Decisions
Blame
Controlling
Dishonesty
Physical or sexual abuse
Isolation
Relationship Road Signs
His intention was not to malign And his actions were fully benign But he still made a mess When he made a wrong guess With no clue what she meant by her sign.
When relationship signs don’t appear We will anxiously travel with fear So the challenge for us Is to talk and discuss And make sure that our signals are clear.
Dr. Bill Baker
QUESTIONS
Q: What areas in your marriage do you feel unsure about?
Q: What do you do to stay aware of potential danger to your marriage?
Q: What does “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” look like in your communications with your spouse?
CALL TO ACTION
Maintain great situational awareness in your marriage relationship. That means being present when you are with your spouse (like being careful about screen time and not talking much when you are together).
This week review the above behavioral signs of danger in this post and talk with your spouse about any concerns with a solution mindset, not an accusatory approach.
Firefighters face many dangers in doing their job. Dangers related to chemicals are generally detected through observations related to pre-plans, sights and sounds. One way to categorize dangers related to chemicals is the below system.
NFPA 704 Hazardous Materials Marking System.
This system labels containers with placards that identify the hazards. The four types of risk for chemicals identified by the NFPA 704 labeling system are health hazard, fire hazard, reactivity, and specific hazards. Similarly to marriage relationships there are the four areas most likely to cause risk. Dr. John Gottman, renowned marriage researcher has identified those four typical areas of marital conflict as:
Technology
Work Stress
Money
Housework
QUESTIONS
Q: Which of the four areas identified by Gottman is your biggest concern in your marriage?
Q: What is one thing you can you do to address your concern? (Have you ever talked about it with your spouse?)
CALL TO ACTION
Take action this week based on your answers above.
You let someone in front of you in traffic, give a gift to someone special, buy or prepare a meal for someone, send a note or a card, or one of many other actions. Do you expect anything in return? A wave, a thank you, a gift or action in return. Most of us do, which unintentionally changes the dynamics and the very nature of our actions.
When you hear the words unconditional love, what comes to mind? How easy is it to give unconditional love? What is the root of unconditional love?
The word “condition” is described by the dictionary as, “a restricting or modifying factor”. Restricting and love don’t seem to fit together. But it is our nature to be focused on self and to expect reciprocation when we do something for someone else. That expectation changes the power of the action and how it affects everyone.
My grandmother Lucille “shorty” Rivers on the left and two of her sisters, Nell and Lorena. These were some fun, amazing people in my life I learned many lessons about unconditional love from.
I propose to you that unconditional love is the highest level of love. It is given without any restrictions, no conditions, no expectations. That is love in its purest form, giving, selfless, sacrificial.
There was a person who demonstrated unconditional love. He did for others and while expecting nothing in return. He loved others to the point of even laying his life down without any expectations, only hoping that the love would be received. His name was Jesus Christ.
When a husband and wife love each other unconditionally it is this pure love that yields an amazing, lasting marriage.
That is what the fifth chapter of Ephesians was describing as a mystery in verse 32.
While being intentional to love through our words and actions without any expectations is a challenge. The rewards are extraordinary, and the strong relationships are the best of those rewards.
QUESTIONS
Q: How can you focus on the action and your intention not how the person responds?
Q: Why do you allow the response or a lack of an expected response determine how you feel about your actions? We all need some form of validation, but what other ways, even the cross, can provide that?
CALL TO ACTION
Express pure love to your spouse by doing something nice for them this week at least once. Mentally and emotionally expect nothing in return knowing you have expressed love in its purest form with no strings attached.
This principle works with relationships in general, try and see. I must warn you that loving unconditionally is possible but challenging with our selfish nature. Go fan that fire!
Responding to and preparing for the response requires firefighters to ask the right questions for the best outcome. Our performance as a team is impacted by asking the right questions. For structure fires we need to be asking questions like; are there occupants, what type of building is it, what hazards exist, where is the nearest fire hydrant, what do we know about conditions based on the 911 callers, etc.
Asking questions about a building for a pre-plan is critical to being both safe and effective as firefighters.
Communications and thoughtful questions are keys both in effective firefighting and loving marriages. Asking the right questions in a marriage relationship is a good way to grow in understanding. I challenge you to consider the art of seeking input from the one you love.
When you look at a question you are considering asking to determining if it is one of the right questions to ask, consider these question qualifiers:
The question should start with “what or how“
It should not start with, “why, when, or who”
The question should contain “I or we”
It should take personal responsibility
The question should not seek to blame
It should require more than a yes or no answer
The question should seek to focus on solutions
Some sample questions are; How can I be a better husband/wife? Describe a perfect date night I could take on. How are our communications? How can I make you feel more loved and appreciated? etc.
QUESTIONS
Q: What can you do to improve your communications skills?
Q: When was the last time you reflected on your actions with your spouse?
Q: Are you prone to blame or look for your responsibility?
Q: Do you stop and think before responding to a question?
CALL TO ACTION
1. Write 6 questions you would like to ask your spouse.
2. Determine what the top 3 questions are.
3. Discuss this with your spouse and volunteer to answer 3 questions your spouse would like to ask you.
4. Ask your spouse your 3 questions and actively listen (more on active listening in future blogs).
In the fire service we have a practice called “2 in, 2 out” that is done for the safety of firefighters inside a structure fighting fire. It requires at least two firefighters enter the Immediately Dangerous to life or Health (IDLH) atmosphere and remain in visual or voice contact with each other at all times. The practice also requires at least two partner firefighters be located outside the IDLH atmosphere, thus the term, “two in/two out”. This assures that the “two in” can monitor each other and assist with equipment failure or entrapment or other hazards, and the “two out” can monitor those in the building, initiate rescue, or call for back-up.
“2 In-2 Out” is like hand rails to guide and keep partners safe from relationship dangers on their path.
I suggest you consider the 2 in 2 out practice for your marriage. Just like a structure fire there are everyday hazards to the marriage relationship. Complacency, poor communications, poor financial decisions, and generally unwise decisions are some of those dangers to be aware of. The two outside should help with encouragement, accountability and know when to call for help for larger issues.
Each spouse should have a friend who helps watch and listen for danger and questionable decisions or actions in the marriage relationship. The husband’s friend should be a guy who has similar beliefs and morals and the wife’s friend should be a gal with the same.
My beautiful bride and I in Yelm, Washington visiting our daughter, son-in-law and grand kids a few years ago.
QUESTIONS
Q : Who could be your “2 out” for your marriage relationship?
Q: What are the three areas of concern in your relationship that you could ask your outside person to ask you about regularly?
Q: How often do you check in with your spouse by askingquestions like, How are we doing? And asking how you can do better in the relationship.
CALL TO ACTION
Identify your person outside, talk with them and set some ground rules about being accountable and encouraging each other to continue growing in your marriages.
Pick a reality love show and you will hear these words, “I just don’t feel it, so I can’t commit to this relationship.” What feeling is that person seeking? Happiness, friendship, physical attraction, love?
As a firefighter you must take actions every day to be ready to respond, actions to resolve the emergency and save lives and property, and simultaneously actions to keep you and your fellow firefighters safe in very dangerous circumstances. The feeling of knowing you were able to effectively help someone only comes after ALL of the actions you take.
If you expect a person to bring you happiness you are putting gigantic, unhealthy expectations on an imperfect human being. A friendship and romantic love are both relationships that require work, commitment, and the ability to forgive. Attraction or chemistry is mostly physical attraction or some form of sexual desire.
So why is it we so often want to feel a certain way before we take action? Have you felt accomplished before you met the goal, so then you pushed and achieved the goal? Not me!
Uphill on bridge of 4 mile run in Clearwater, Florida….feeling tired but kept running
I have seen many people who are waiting on a “feeling” to fall out of the sky on them. I call it waiting on the “Feeling Fairy” to hit them with a feeling stick. That is a trap that does not yield results.
Feelings follow action not the reverse. It is when we figure out what our goal is and identify the actions, and take action that progress is possible.
The formula I strive to live by is; consistent effort over time equals results. This works in any area, relationships, exercise, diet, career, etc.
QUESTIONS
Q: What is a specific goal for my relationship with my spouse?
Q: What are actions I need to take to achieve that goal?
Q: Does my goal contain the key components for a path to achieving the goal (Measurable, Attainable, Personal, Specific)?
CALL TO ACTION
Take the first step this week and write out a CLEAR goal for your relationship.
It seems appropriate to discuss the love tree on the week of Valentine’s day. I had the pleasure of visiting St. Augustine, Florida. While I and my bride were there we enjoyed some great food at area restaurants, chilled on the beach and went on a carriage ride with a great tour guide. During our carriage ride we learned about the love tree that grows in St. Augustine. The guide told us there were only seven of these trees in St. Augustine.
From a plant perspective, the seed of a palm tree falls into a crack or hole in a crooked oak tree. It is damp enough in St. Augustine for the palm tree to soak up moisture from the oak tree’s bark, sprouts, and grow. The palm tree eventually sends down shallow roots that don’t interfere with the deep roots of the oak, leaving two different trees growing in the same space.
I prefer the local legend that one person planted the oak and the other the palm tree. They fell in love, and as their love grew the trees fused into one.
A Love Tree we saw on our trip.
The love tree is a great image that makes me think about marriage and the two people in love becoming one. I think that only truly happens over time with God’s help. Like the trees, we are two different people living in the same space, called home. Some factors on oneness to consider include:
Prayer
Invest Time Together
Spending Time Apart
Good Communications
Affection
QUESTIONS
Q: Do you pray for and with your spouse?
Q: When was the last time just you and your spouse did something fun together you both enjoy?
Q: Do you have girl friends for wives or guy friends for husbands with similar values that you spend time with?
Q: Do you communicate clearly and regularly? Are you an active listener?
Q: When was the last time you held hands or hugged your spouse, “just because you love them”?
A CALL TO ACTION
Reflect on the five oneness factors mentioned and pick one to address. Do something you have not been doing to nurture your growth as husband and wife. Go fan that fire!
A fire needs three things to burn; heat, fuel and oxygen. Take any of those three away and the fire goes out. You can say that is written in concrete; hard true facts. To start and continue fanning the flame of love in marriage is similar in actions that are essential.
Have you ever seen something written in the concrete on a sidewalk? It usually involves children and sometimes a little mischief. How can you permanently write on the heart to strengthen the relationship with the one you love?
A message of young love written in stone.
There is something about putting words in concrete, especially a heart. Words written in concrete at least visually represent something lasting. There are some things I believe should be written in concrete as far as a lasting loving marriage relationship. Some of those keys are commitment, respect, forgiveness, selfless attitude, and unconditional love most importantly.
A heart I saw in Arizona while visiting my daughter and her family.
MESSAGES WRITTEN INCONCRETE
Commitment
Respect
Forgiveness
Selflessness
Unconditional love
QUESTIONS
What messages are you writing on the heart of your spouse?
Reflect on your actions in your relationship this last week. Are the messages you wrote with your words and actions reflecting the five key areas above?
Does silence write a message on your spouse’s heart? If so, what messages could it be from their perspective?
A CALL TO ACTION
Focus on one of the 5 areas above and write on the heart of your spouse through your actions this week. Go fan that fire!
Antique Fire Chief Gasoline pump in Bell Buckle, Tennessee.
So what is a Firelighter? A firelighter is someone who ignites and fans the flame of lasting, true love in marriage.
Thesecondquestioniswhataresparks? Sparks are thoughts, ideas, challenges, and questions that I will share to help ignite and fan the flame of love in your marriage relationship.
Thegoalofthissite is to simply share thoughts, ideas, and resources to help build and strengthen marriage relationships whether you have been married 4 months or 40+ years. Hopefully these words can encourage and fuel growth and strengthen your marriage.
There will be a weekly post with three parts to help you:
– An idea or principle applicable to marriage
– Question(s) to consider
– A call to action
Welcome and I hope you will walk with me on a journey of growing our marriage relationships.
FireLighter Sparks 