Tag: Respect

A Lost Art

Since Father’s Day is this coming weekend, I thought I’d share something my Dad taught me in life. I remember hearing at a very young age that we have two ears and one mouth, that we should listen twice as much as we talk. Easier said than done, especially when strong emotions and feelings are involved.

Me & My Dad a few years ago (ha, ha)

My Dad was one person who listened a lot more than he spoke, so I saw it modeled in life. He was a very patient man of few words but usually when he spoke it was worth listening.

Communications in firefighting is a life or death matter. The communications among fire department units must be clear and concise. The initial report of the first arriving fire apparatus paints a picture that builds a foundation for effectively resolving the emergency. That report typically includes 6 basic pieces of information:

1. Unit identification

2. Announce you are on Scene

3. Description of the problem

4. Describe any action you are taking

5. Declare your strategy

6. Assume command of the scene

We also need to be clear and concise in the communications with our spouse. Listening in marriage means more than just not talking. It means acknowledging what is said so the person speaking knows you heard the message, even if you disagree with it. One phrase to use when giving that feedback is, “so what I hear you saying is…..”.

Active listening is at the heart of this lost art. Active listening means focused, non-judgmental listening with your heart, mind, eyes and ears. Feedback is the food of communication champions by the way. Think about the last time your spouse was telling you something, did you actively listen; did you take these 6 basic active listening actions to foster good communications:

  • Face them, give them your full attention & have good eye contact
  • Observe their body language (non-verbal cues)
  • Listen without immediately judging
  • Not start to think about what you want to say before acknowledging what was being said to you
  • Ask questions to better understand and clarify
  • Paraphrase and summarize what was said to you

QUESTIONS

Q: Do I typically talk more than I listen?

Q: What aspects of active listening above can I improve on this week?

CALL TO ACTION

For this week focus on just three of the above 6 basic communications aspects of active listening and work to get better.

Go fan that fire!

Love Languages

What makes your spouse feel loved? And what makes you feel loved? Those are two very important questions we need to all be continuously learning, exploring, and expressing in our marriage.

One of the best books about what makes us feel loved is by Gary Chapman. It is simply called, “The Five Love Languages”. I read it several years ago, have re-read it a few times, and it is just as relevant and helpful today.

The five primary love languages Gary identifies are:

  • Words of affirmation
  • Quality time
  • Receiving gifts
  • Acts of service
  • Physical touch

Words of affirmation are simply words that encourage, are kind or express forgiveness.

Quality time is time together with focus on each other or just good communications with clear messages and understanding each other.

Receiving gifts is also straight forward. The gift should be something the person receiving likes and not necessarily something you like. Take time and think about what gift would mean a lot or would make them happy. Sometimes it can even be the gift of self. Being there when your spouse needs you speaks loudly.

Acts of service require thoughtfulness, effort, energy and time which is what makes the impact on their heart. It means doing something you know your spouse would like you to do without being asked to do it.

Physical touch can be anything from hand holding, to a back rub, to sexual intimacy.

QUESTIONS

Q: What is your spouses primary two or three love languages?

Q: How do you know and are you sure?

Q: What are your primary love languages?

CALL TO ACTION

Talk together about what makes you feel loved using this blog info, or even better, you and your spouse take the self test attached (click on the link below) and talk about it.

Go Fan that Fire!

LOVE LANGUAGE SELF TEST

Here is a link to a self test to download to help you better identify you and your spouses love languages: https://nbcgutah.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/5.LoveLanguageTest.pdf

8 Things to do Everyday

I heard something impactful last week on social media that is simple, clear and concise. It is something I now use and has practical application in life. It definitely has application to our marriage relationship. So here are the 8 actions we need to take each day with some minor revisions:

  • No more complaining, instead focus on finding solutions and making things better.
  • Skip the blame game, taking responsibility for your actions is how you learn and grow.
  • Stay calm, skip the arguments. Talk it out and find common ground.
  • Stay humble, skip the bragging. Your actions speak volumes about you and staying humble earns respect.
  • Calm conversations, no yelling. Attacking verbally results in defensiveness and hurt not good communications or better relationships.
  • Learn to listen, talk later. Listen more than you talk. Seek to understand before sharing your thoughts.
  • Be kind, skip the judging. Put yourself in others shoes, it will help build empathy and better relationships.
  • Stick to the truth, skip the lies. Honesty builds trust, and without trust there is no relationship.

QUESTIONS

Q: Which items represent your biggest challenge? No one is perfect but each of us can grow when we live intentionally.

Q: Which items are you already doing regularly? You should feel good about these areas.

CALL TO ACTION

Write these 8 actions down on a piece of paper, an index card, or as a note on your phone and read them every day first thing and last thing before you go to bed for the month of April. Hold yourself accountable and reward yourself when you follow through.

Go fan that fire!

Fire & Concrete

A fire needs three things to burn; heat, fuel and oxygen. Take any of those three away and the fire goes out. You can say that is written in concrete; hard true facts. To start and continue fanning the flame of love in marriage is similar in actions that are essential.

Have you ever seen something written in the concrete on a sidewalk? It usually involves children and sometimes a little mischief. How can you permanently write on the heart to strengthen the relationship with the one you love?

A message of young love written in stone.

There is something about putting words in concrete, especially a heart. Words written in concrete at least visually represent something lasting. There are some things I believe should be written in concrete as far as a lasting loving marriage relationship. Some of those keys are commitment, respect, forgiveness, selfless attitude, and unconditional love most importantly.

A heart I saw in Arizona while visiting my daughter and her family.

MESSAGES WRITTEN IN CONCRETE

  • Commitment
  • Respect
  • Forgiveness
  • Selflessness
  • Unconditional love

QUESTIONS

What messages are you writing on the heart of your spouse?

Reflect on your actions in your relationship this last week. Are the messages you wrote with your words and actions reflecting the five key areas above?

Does silence write a message on your spouse’s heart? If so, what messages could it be from their perspective?

A CALL TO ACTION

Focus on one of the 5 areas above and write on the heart of your spouse through your actions this week. Go fan that fire!